Since my last confession, aka this blog, life has converged about me like the Bermuda Triangle... yet it is difficult for me to scrap up any authentic self-pity about it. I don't want to be anyone else (much as I vex both myself and others) and I don't want to know the future. Fortunately, if my curse is three-fold, the rescue is thrice directed in nature as well: Between reading the Psalms (and Ecclesiastes for kicks), Tim Keller's sermons and Mumford & Son's new Babel release, the fire and the rose have it and all shall be well. Still, going though the days is much in line with Mumford's 'Lover's Eyes':
But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.
The reality check is that the particulars of my experiences are elementary to everyone who has stopped twirling long enough to point out like the silliest inebriated soul who ridiculously announces that the world is spinning and what is anyone going to do about it? Like smoke which pervades my kitchen when I'm distracted in the living room, fear clouds my reason, and what a conundrum my heart is without the bread crumbs of truth and faith to guide me. Thank God He keeps pulling me up short of the cliff. These past few years I've been tracking this trail of fear through love, purpose, school, job, money, self-worth, identity, etc., but really, it's simply fact, faith, and feelings. Perspective helps when its not yours so I've been overdosing on Tim Keller's podcasts, particularly 'Praying our tears' and 'Praying our fears' on itunes both posted 2/10/10 and HIGHLY recommended to all poor souls who stumble unto this post. The following is a dodgy account but here are my scribbles of Keller's points (Praying our fears, Psalm 3)in the following:
Fear is good when a threat is real. Most of our worry is not wisely directed.
Thus:feeling a lack of control is a lack of security.
There are two levels of fear in Psalm 3: 'But you are a shield AROUND me.' Now, there are two shields used in battle. First, the small shield which is used for hand-to-hand combat; the other is huge and not meant for the attack, dodge routine. This is a shield used for going INTO danger, not for flight or fighting. Its a shield meant for obedience. The point that David is saying is that God will not shield me from dangerous situations, bad things, pain. I have to go through it all. There is no return back to Frodo's shire. We're going into Mordred's territory. God's protection only goes forward but this isn't meant for us only, remember the thread of the will of God lead Christ to the tomb. If I panic and work things out on my own, I'm sunk.
In Psalm 3, David stops and relocates his glory in God. 'YOU are my glory.' He's saying, I'm scared but you are my glory. This is confessional, what David had built his identity on, the good guy, the beloved honored man of God who became king, the one who felt secure in the approval of others is alone. BUT for God.
Keller's point is that if I am experiencing deep anxiety that is not primal,it's not enough to suck it up, nor not enough to stuff my feelings as if they don't exist or alternatively wail and embrace my feelings. Anxiety is smoke that we use to find the fire of our glory. Are you anxious that God be honored in your life or rather for approval from others for yourself?
How does David know that God is proud of him? David had failed morally as a king and as a follower, as a father and a husband. Keller states that "You are scared to the degree that you put your glory in something." see Psalm 3: "I will cry and You will hear me from Your holy hill."
Did David really just think that that a sacrifice was 'enough' for God's forgiveness, or blessing? No, David, with all of his royal screw-ups as a godly man, husband, father, king, STILL had confidence that God was proud of him. David wasn't forgotten or abandoned despite his circumstances and whatever he did to cause it to be so.
Thus, a) follow the tread (not the situation), b) relocate your glory (that which is not concerned for God's glory), c) see the substitute: Christ.
And, King David, like Mumford (who I'm fairly convinced is searching the world for me), and I are singing along:
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way.
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