Praying my fears: Psalms, Keller and Mumford

Since my last confession, aka this blog, life has converged about me like the Bermuda Triangle... yet it is difficult for me to scrap up any authentic self-pity about it. I don't want to be anyone else (much as I vex both myself and others) and I don't want to know the future. Fortunately, if my curse is three-fold, the rescue is thrice directed in nature as well: Between reading the Psalms (and Ecclesiastes for kicks), Tim Keller's sermons and Mumford & Son's new Babel release, the fire and the rose have it and all shall be well. Still, going though the days is much in line with Mumford's 'Lover's Eyes': But do not ask the price I pay, I must live with my quiet rage, Tame the ghosts in my head, That run wild and wish me dead. Should you shake my ash to the wind Lord, forget all of my sins Oh, let me die where I lie Neath the curse of my lover's eyes. The reality check is that the particulars of my experiences are elementary to everyone who has stopped twirling long enough to point out like the silliest inebriated soul who ridiculously announces that the world is spinning and what is anyone going to do about it? Like smoke which pervades my kitchen when I'm distracted in the living room, fear clouds my reason, and what a conundrum my heart is without the bread crumbs of truth and faith to guide me. Thank God He keeps pulling me up short of the cliff. These past few years I've been tracking this trail of fear through love, purpose, school, job, money, self-worth, identity, etc., but really, it's simply fact, faith, and feelings. Perspective helps when its not yours so I've been overdosing on Tim Keller's podcasts, particularly 'Praying our tears' and 'Praying our fears' on itunes both posted 2/10/10 and HIGHLY recommended to all poor souls who stumble unto this post. The following is a dodgy account but here are my scribbles of Keller's points (Praying our fears, Psalm 3)in the following: Fear is good when a threat is real. Most of our worry is not wisely directed. Thus:feeling a lack of control is a lack of security. There are two levels of fear in Psalm 3: 'But you are a shield AROUND me.' Now, there are two shields used in battle. First, the small shield which is used for hand-to-hand combat; the other is huge and not meant for the attack, dodge routine. This is a shield used for going INTO danger, not for flight or fighting. Its a shield meant for obedience. The point that David is saying is that God will not shield me from dangerous situations, bad things, pain. I have to go through it all. There is no return back to Frodo's shire. We're going into Mordred's territory. God's protection only goes forward but this isn't meant for us only, remember the thread of the will of God lead Christ to the tomb. If I panic and work things out on my own, I'm sunk. In Psalm 3, David stops and relocates his glory in God. 'YOU are my glory.' He's saying, I'm scared but you are my glory. This is confessional, what David had built his identity on, the good guy, the beloved honored man of God who became king, the one who felt secure in the approval of others is alone. BUT for God. Keller's point is that if I am experiencing deep anxiety that is not primal,it's not enough to suck it up, nor not enough to stuff my feelings as if they don't exist or alternatively wail and embrace my feelings. Anxiety is smoke that we use to find the fire of our glory. Are you anxious that God be honored in your life or rather for approval from others for yourself? How does David know that God is proud of him? David had failed morally as a king and as a follower, as a father and a husband. Keller states that "You are scared to the degree that you put your glory in something." see Psalm 3: "I will cry and You will hear me from Your holy hill." Did David really just think that that a sacrifice was 'enough' for God's forgiveness, or blessing? No, David, with all of his royal screw-ups as a godly man, husband, father, king, STILL had confidence that God was proud of him. David wasn't forgotten or abandoned despite his circumstances and whatever he did to cause it to be so. Thus, a) follow the tread (not the situation), b) relocate your glory (that which is not concerned for God's glory), c) see the substitute: Christ. And, King David, like Mumford (who I'm fairly convinced is searching the world for me), and I are singing along: And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow Take my hand, help me on my way. And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow Take my hand, I'll be on my way.

Mumford & Sons - I Will Wait

Being Filled and Dancing...the Beloved's Awakening

The lines of W.B. Yeats lap through my mind: 'and the people came together and the people came to dance like a wave upon the sea.' Again, we do not serve a God of accidents: I've been reading through the GEPC (Go Eat PopCorn-baam!) books this month and spending a lot of time in Galatians and Ephesians and I noticed that much of what I am studying is reworked in the Tim Keller podcasts that I listen to almost daily: Being filled with the Holy Spirit as an authentic worshiper. This past Sunday Mum told me to check out a church that she believed is similar to my home church in North Carolina, North Wake--I'm church-hunting for the time-being. Well, I had checked the service times online but they didn't match with her info but hey, Mum knows best...SOME of the time. I went but another church was using the building, somehow connected to the International House of Prayer (IHOP). Apparently the building is utilized by a couple of churches at various times of the week. But this one was NOT like North Wake. The sermon was on the gifts of the Holy Spirit, the Baptism of the Holy Spirit and specifically, speaking in Tongues. I appreciated much of what the young pastor had to say but the second baptism was not convincing (we all were baptized by One Spirit)...but I appreciated how zealous the church was to PRAY; to lay hands on people and intercede and prophecy over them. One lady came over and very respectful

ly and wisely prayed over me in a very non-Charismatic manner and displayed gentleness and clarity. And what she spoke over me was greatly insightful, encouraging and directive. I don't want to get into specifics here because those details don't really matter. As I go through Galatians and Ephesians, I keep getting this message: don't focus on others or gifts or works. Don't miss Christ! It's like when we say, Yes Lord, I know that you will take care of X and You can do Y through me and we ask for Z, yes, so that you will be glorified. Affirmations are good and necessary but like Jesus's response to Mary and Martha: I AM the Resurrection. Don't let your doctrine stay in your head. Be saturated, be FILLED with the Holy Spirit. Just like building castles made of sand, don't fill a bucket of sand, pour some water on the top (the head: yes, I've done a 15 min. morning devo,etc.), flip it over to empty the bucket and expect the form to remain: the content of the whole hasn't been converted, transformed in to a saturated mixture! In every area of my life, I need to continually yield to the Lord, leave no compartment, 'hidden' sin or 'small' indulgence remain untouched by the LIVING water. The power of the Gospel is indeed powerful enough to change the order of the universe, let alone one wretched sinner like myself...but only to the extent that I volitionally give over to God's right of way. As a Christian, I have forfeited my autonomy, and asked to become a slave to righteousness. In return, He has pierced by ear with a gold ring and sealed me with His Spirit as a promise that I am accepted as His. In a gratuity of love, and because He is Love, I am not without inheritance, 'just a slave,' but His beloved. Now I am both, a times feeling that connection as a slave to righteousness when I battle the old sinful nature, other times the comfort, and healing presence as His child. There is much work left to be done in me but I'm not unduly dwelling on that. I'm learning to dwell in Him. It's hard for a proud, self-reliant, 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps Christianity' that many people spout but the truth is we cannot clean ourselves; I'm too poor and needy. God will take care of my wretchedness the more I delight and have ongoing fellowship with Him. Be filled, be blessed and BE a blessing to others. PRay for gifts to bless others and begin with exhorting others, prayerfully and continually. God is faithful: keep seeking and asking and knocking. And pull up a chair and have a cup of mint tea with me.

Authentic Gifting vs. Disillusionment

The irony of life is that we all acquire people who bring little sense of personal happiness to us but who are catalysts for growth and out of which our own gifts come to life. The hard pill to swallow is that it is not for our joy; We MAY have a joy set before us, those glimpses of a heavenly vision are possible but not common in the regular grind of the noonday watch. Not for zealous sense of fulfillment in the doing, for you will be spent, worn out and finally broken...but not in a beneficial way ...No, these gifts are birthed in darkness, born like a child in the midst of loss. Authentic gifting' is identification with the Man of Sorrows. The words that were bound until another's pain released them, the inept hands that soothed the head that lay bowed. “Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” Zelda Fitzgerald. We cannot take the sorrows if we look to others as the ends. We and they are means to honor God, to give and to gift without despair. And there is no genuine need for despair: I'm thankful that I do not serve a God of accidents but purpose and love. This reading by Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest came at the right moment for me today: The Teaching of Disillusionment Jul302012 Jesus did not commit Himself to them . . . , for He knew what was in man —John 2:24-25 Disillusionment means having no more misconceptions, false impressions, and false judgments in life; it means being free from these deceptions. However, though no longer deceived, our experience of disillusionment may actually leave us cynical and overly critical in our judgment of others. But the disillusionment that comes from God brings us to the point where we see people as they really are, yet without any cynicism or any stinging and bitter criticism. Many of the things in life that inflict the greatest injury, grief, or pain, stem from the fact that we suffer from illusions. We are not true to one another as facts, seeing each other as we really are; we are only true to our misconceived ideas of one another. According to our thinking, everything is either delightful and good, or it is evil, malicious, and cowardly. Refusing to be disillusioned is the cause of much of the suffering of human life. And this is how that suffering happens— if we love someone, but do not love God, we demand total perfection and righteousness from that person, and when we do not get it we become cruel and vindictive; yet we are demanding of a human being something which he or she cannot possibly give. There is only one Being who can completely satisfy to the absolute depth of the hurting human heart, and that is the Lord Jesus Christ. Our Lord is so obviously uncompromising with regard to every human relationship because He knows that every relationship that is not based on faithfulness to Himself will end in disaster. Our Lord trusted no one, and never placed His faith in people, yet He was never suspicious or bitter. Our Lord’s confidence in God, and in what God’s grace could do for anyone, was so perfect that He never despaired, never giving up hope for any person. If our trust is placed in human beings, we will end up despairing of everyone.

A random exercise in thought and heart

Desire without innocence is lust whereby the 'other' is assumed but is internally directed: it is madness in its infancy. As it matures, it is apparent that nothing and no one is enough, there is is no true satisfaction, it hungers without end. Thus and then comes the stronghold of bitterness, the statehood of disappointed idolatry. Also the heir of lust but kept to the self, not 'other' desired. From this, the absence of innocent desire is apparent in the beginning whereby the 'other' is ostensibly esteemed. Hereby is temper, that quick anger which is without compassion. Compassion is 'fellowship, in and with suffering.' Only the innocent can truly suffer; the wicked may only know torment and dissatisfaction. The distinction between suffering and torment is virtue: the principle is in the source and direction of their pains. One is loss of fellowship and love; the other is self-concern and a distinctive loss of feeling, it is apathetic, the end conclusion of hatred. In my love for God, am I more sensitive to His Spirit or less today then yesterday? Am I inclined toward madness, the clutches of Hell or Rest, the embrace of Heaven?

Ex-muslim Wafa Sultan Debates Sheikh Omar Bakri

If it hasn't already been done, or at least recently analyzed, it could be a worthwhile endeavor to do a comparative analysis on Old Testament commands and issues of equality and rights with those of the Koran. However, I have some friends working in Muslim countries that might benefit from working directly in this study more than myself. Still, the idea as a paper/or study is interesting...

Telos Xelot: anti-telos ~ 2marO?

Telos Xelot: anti-telos ~ 2marO?

I've come across the idea of perfectionism in relation to procrastination before and it struck me as the root of my fears. Why do I think it's all on me to solve the questions in a research enterprise? Why do I have such arrogant notions? Ugh. Repent, Confess, Repeat. I'm definitely a classic example of how I handle work stress so I appreciate this reminder from a good brother! By the grace of God, I'll do what I can today and look to HIM who is the measure and perfecter of my faith.

Making Sense. Meanwhile,don't replace me.

In the midst of writing another research paper, this time on Romantic landscape artists and their way of looking at nature as a way to encounter transcendence, I'm drawn to this song by Clueso. Maybe because the artists that I'm studying so wanted to make sense of their world that was rapidly changing in empirical demands. So I don't speak German but this band's music has me dancing alone in my room, so the music is worth listening to for itself. Then again, maybe I just have the hots for the lead singer and that's why I'm addicted to this song? Groupie lusting aside, the point is its theme seems to pulse with questions that I've been asking myself for the past few months in particular. While the song has an obvious romantic overtone to it, I find it has a sense of sacred place in the context of the sermon messages that my pastor at North Wake and Timothy Keller have been exhorting me as I go through the days. In the case of North Wake, I'm studying Deut. as I go through the series, making sense of love, fear, idolatry and obedience. Making sense of what it means to be faithful. In the NT, Tim Keller's message on Galatians 5, the lusts of the Spirit and the lusts of the flesh are warring with each other. I know this because personally not only because Scripture declares it to be so but because my heart is the battlefield. Then, the Summit Church, JD Greer is exhorting the power of the Holy Spirit. Three different pastors. All using different books and authors, yet One Gospel. Yet, a unity, a continuity within me. I love how Clueso's video is based in the water. Long story short, I went swimming and got caught in the rip tide where there were powerful waves, so fierce that it broke my board ties and ground me into the ocean floor far below. I'm a naturally strong swimmer, but what I experienced in there of the ocean humbled me. It was an elemental force that is lost to words. But in the dark below, despite my fear, I felt the presence of God, calming me, leading me to safety when I couldn't pull myself out by my own strength. Now, It's been a process being here, working and traveling alone. Somethings, it's all too easy to do somethings, other times, it's been a long night. Through the grace of God's Spirit, I've found peace. It's been a process of making sense, of losing myself to either idols or the living God. And it goes on. The Winner: "All in all, what they say, there's something to all the things they say No matter who comes, no matter who goes, no matter, it doesn't matter I believe nothing, I believe in you, do you believe in me, I believe I do that too I ask myself, I ask you, but I don't ask: "Do you ask yourself too?" I am, you are, we are in the process to loose ourselves Am I, are you, are we in the process to loose ourselves? I am, you are, we are in the process to loose ourselves Am I, are you, are we in the process to loose ourselves? It maybe works easier than easy, easier than the things that were Easier than easy, it's not far from here to the things that have not yet been Do you search for me, than I search for you, is the temptatiopn big enough I'll allow this, come, allow it, come, let's do it one more time I don't give up, do you come with me, do you come with me to face each other? Does nothing come to your mind? Come, don't replace, come, don't panic, calm yourself. I ask myself, I ask you, but I don't ask: "Do you ask yourself too?"I am, you are, we are in the process to loose ourselves? Am I, are you, are we in the process to loose ourselves?"

If only wrestling were like this today...

Death: His Sting and Defeat (by David Bowden for Church Online)

For Father we are your worshipers Your unworthy dancers we are your priasers your passionate romancers And now we stand before you and say Worship is not what we sing but how we obey. Check this kid out:)

VAN MORRISON - I'LL BE YOUR LOVER TOO

you can't beat a classic. just have to keep sharing this with the universe.

Marcus Foster - I Was Broken // Mahogany Session

I stumbled into his album and I can't get out. I don't want to be saved out of it, either: bloody brilliant.